Entry IV: I think I should actually kay em es
I don’t really like to admit it, but I feel so alone in the world. I genuinely do not have a single friend or even an acquaintance. It’s scary to think that I might be alone forever. Not in the tik tokified youtube aesthetic way. Just seeing myself in a couple of years being a home to work type of person probably living in an apartment with nothing else going on in my life. There’s no joy in having no one to talk or share your thoughts with. Despite how “used to” I am to everything the pain just never seems to go away. I always think of deleting my neocities all together because I’m not gonna lie, reading other people’s life and stuff I feel so envious. It makes me even more sad that I can’t have a fraction of what other’s have. Back when I was still religious, I thought it was some sort of punishment from god, or a test or something. I feel so socially stunted. I spent my childhood being locked indoors, my teens in a white ass neighborhood where no one wanted anything to do with me, college in my room unless I had classes. And maybe the college part was my fault... maybe I should have tried but it’s too late now lol. I did try the first month. I think those are the happiest recent memories lol. Trying to learn how to ride a bike with my first year roommate and her friend, going to random people’s dorms, eating with random people. I regret not keeping it up lol aughhh. You know what whatever mayybe this is all midsummer despair lol. Seeing the same four walls for almost 2 months now instead of the mandatory touching grass that I have to get when I’m on campus because I have to go to classes and go and eat and stuff lol. Even though I am actually reminded of the fact that I’m alone way more in college, I’m less sad. Which is good I guess because we need to get this degree at the very least. I just realized I use lol way too much. I hate sounding too serious it makes me so embarrassed we on neocities. I feel like that meme everytime i try to do a diary thing on my site because i honestly have nothing of use to share with the world and its so sad ohhhh kill me nowee
Entry III: What stage of grief am I in with studying
After being hyper conscious and comparing my progress constantly to other peoples’ which led me to breaking down and crying (which I rarely ever do now), I took a break. I think it was more an excuse to lounge around… Since it’s the new month, I’m back to studying full time again till the ending of August. Not to self fulfilling prophecy my way to failure but I might be actually stupid and getting by via pure luck so I deluded myself into thinking that I’m smart enough to become a doctor lol. Because there is no way… come September I may void, or not go, or go and release my scores and fall into a deep depression if I get anything below a 510. Looking at everyone else, I feel like such an underachiever lol. Even now I’m reconsidering if I really want to go into medicine. I love learning, and I love being in hospitals and helping others and stuff but I don’t wanna be a suicide statistic in med school I’m not god’s strongest soldier… Especially with how little of a support system I have. I only have my mom, but literally the eq of everyone in my family is in the depths of hell. I've been coping fine, but idk how I'm gonna in med school when I probably have the canon event of everyone around me telling me that I should kms and never step foot in a hospital ever again. I feel like I’m digging myself into a deeper hole like I could go the grad school route but idk. All I do everyday now is worry my way to heart palpitations and weird ass muscle twitches I have every second of my day now… save me...
Entry II: Feeling bad
I’ve never really had monetary hardships in my life and especially now I feel horrible about it. Aside from doing my research for money last year summer, I’ve never had a job. And the research job was literally a waiting simulator (the reactions take hours) while I played games on my ipad and went out for 2 hr lunch breaks with my mom. Even with the money I got I spent it all even though I should have probably saved it. Now I’m feeling super bad because in a couple of months I’m gonna be living in the new apartment complex near campus that’s like 2k+ a month plus I’ll have a car so parking fees and fuel and stuff. Like where all the rich international students live... I brought it up during my chem lab one day while we were talking abt housing and everyone looked at me like I was crazy. I was so embarassed lol. I def did not read the room that day. Despite this I do feel behind in a lot of canon events like working a hs job and all the shit that happens. I feel bad for wasting money because I’ve been doing that all throughout college without any complaints from my parents. I wish I could cure myself from being so depressed all the time because there’s honestly nothing I should sad about to the point of suicidal ideation lol. No matter how flawed my parents are, they’ve been through way worse and never really did anything about healing in their adult life. I can hate my life all I want, but having a boring mundane life is not bad! I’m lucky to only have to worry about getting my education done and getting an adult job
Entry I: Finding fulfillment in life
For the past couple of months, I’ve been thinking about how to find fulfillment in this life of mine… For most people, their reason to keep going are their loved ones. For me, I don’t really have anyone. I have my family, but to be honest, I’ve never felt secure in an environment where I’m one failure away from not being loved. I’ve never had true friendships either, and even at 20 I’m inexperienced when it comes to romantic relationships. Now that I’m not a teen anymore, I think I have come to accept that if I end up living my life in solitude, which is seeming more and more likely, I should at least find a reason to keep on living. For right now it’s music. It’s the only comfort I have during such an important, and terrifying time in my life. Deciding what I want to spend the rest of my life doing… I know in the future when I’m able, traveling and exploring new places will also be something I do often! Rather than popular cities, I really want to explore all the nature Earth has to offer. I won’t say that I’m happy now or that I’ll ever be, although I do strive for happiness, but I’m grateful for the privileges I’m have especially at this point of my life.
