Tw: Self harm, mental health
I think after 16 something changed inside of me. Before then, I was outwardly in pain. I would cry almost everyday, self harmed, barely left my room. My dad hated me, my mom was always annoyed. Living in an African household, I realized that being depressed was actually not a thing, and your parents are and always will be saints who have never done anything wrong. I actually had that cannon event where my mom would pray with me every night to shoo the evil spirts. Instead of help, I was just always humiliated lol. That part of my life actually ruined me. I think it also ruined my relationship with religion and christianity in general. I still think that I’m getting punished by God for something. I have realized that there was no way I can stay with my family and ever become sane. Aside from the total disregard for mental health, horrible household, I can never live life the way they want me to. My biggest goal is getting the fuck out. That’s why I’m such a high achiever. I’ve also completely mastered the art of masking the best I can. I’m good at appearing to be the perfect child. I have completely isolated myself in every way possible. They both love me now. Always throwing money at me, the only way emotionally unavailable parents can. My dream is that one day… hopefully soon, I am completely financially independent to cut everyone off and live alone. I could only dream of doing that during my teenage years.. i don’t have any immediate family in the states or friends or a support group. For now, I have to be utterly miserable for a couple more years and then I can finally be happy and fulfilled. It’s sad that there are a lot of things that I haven’t experienced in my almost 20 years of living… love, understanding, vulnerability, ease, self love and worth…. If I don't think about it too much, I actually feel fine. I want to move further up north and live in a less populated town than the one I live in. In an old, preferably victorian home. Alone. I only want to see people when I go out or at work. That’s the dream I think. Put that on a vision board!