Entry XV: Update
Okay I know I talk abt school a lot and that’s super boring but aside from my interests my entire life is just school… but remember when I was like I might be doing grad school before med school? Did I ever say that? Idk but I’m doing a masters program now… well I’m still an undergrad but I will be taking grad classes and then applying next year to the program because applications ended lol and technically you can just take grad classes regardless. Then after I graduate and get in the program I’ll finish my masters while working in the hospital then apply to med school. Aughh thinking abt the future sucks even though I don’t hate what I’m doing. I think maybe that’s why I kinda did mostly nothing this summer because i know for a fact that it’s the last ever summer I’ll get to be a kid lol (I say as a 20 year old). The last summer I get to wallow in self pity and bed rot all day yay! After this it’s masters, med school, residency, fellowship, and if I survive all that physician… whatttt. I probably will be long gone from neocities by then unless I’m super dedicated to being on the indie web through all that which idk… but I’ll definitely be here next year still don’t worry. I started watching monster like two weeks ago? I can’t believe I didn’t watch it before.… I started watching it a year or two ago then I forgot abt it for some reason. I like it so far and can’t wait to have it be my little fall show I watch after classes and stuff.
My old roommate texted me asking abt frat parties. She wants me to go with her to those this semester…. I was gonna say no of course but a part of me is curious. I’m assuming that it’s super boring actually and frat men aren’t really people I’d have fun interacting with and I don’t really like social interactions just for the sake of it yknow? I’d rather be in my bed staring at the wall and watching paint dry for the night … but I wanna know what goes down. yes or no should i go. yes for frat party no for you should spend the night watching yaoi instead

Entry XIV: Summer depression is crazyyyy
I think that I can safely say that I've survived summer 2026 yayy who cherred. There's the doing absolutely nothing and waiting to die depressed me and then there's the normal me that's still depressed but fairly very high functioning and on top of everything. Every summer without fail I'm the former even if I got shit to do. I don't like summer at all, but we are so back! Welcome back to reality rose you have graduation requirements and med school to worry about teehee now cram all of that for the rest of the year because you wasted 2 months in bed mostly. This image should tell you everything like I was hitting 20k once a week then pre summer fast forward I can barely do any physical activity even though i have a walking pad... I need to shed the weight aughh.

I mean this summer thing is ruining my life why can't life be in fall, spring, and winters? Byee 80 degree weather hellooo sweaters and fall colors and halloween and winter and snow and ice americanos with almond milk and vanilla after my 8:am at my school's dunkin that has like a 20 minute wait time even if you mobile order that's like super packed all the time but i need a routine again please!!!!

Entry XIII: Break
I haven't updated my site in a week which is like 10 years by my standards. I feel worn out being neocities all the time. Plus I have like 5 unfinsihed pages and so many ideas it's overwhelming... and i don't feel like coding anything lol. I've also just been focusing on school and stuff since summer is lowkey over. I hope you all understand. Watched the backrooms! I liked it but I might be biased because I had a backrooms phase during 2020-2021 so I really enjoyed the visuals. It wasn't boring at all everyone's attention span is just so fried beyond repair and people can't understand themes in a movie unless it's spelled out to them smh. Anyway... see you all in a while -v-

Entry XI: Self sabotage
My apartment stuff is basically almost finalized! unforch I have a roommate because one bedrooms were full, but I hope that she’s sweet. It would have been nice to have a whole space to myself though… we’re only sharing the kitchen and living room but I’m actually so anxious. What if she finds me weird lol. I mean my past two didn’t (I think) so I’m sure it won’t be a big deal. I’m mainly worried about the noise since I’m a very quiet person. I'm also worried that she'll assume that i don't like her because I'm bad with small talk. I’m also kinda really close to not writing my mcat because to be honest my mental health this summer was horrible. Like may I was so productive then june came and I tanked. Then july I was just being a bum and watching shows. I mean it’s not like I HAD to write it right now. I signed up when I thought I wouldn’t take a gap year lol. I could take my time to study and write it next may or something. Summer is not my favorite season. I do like sunny days and fluffy clouds, but it’s too hot and I hate feeling fomo from literally everyone else who is traveling and having fun at this time while I’m bedrotting. Right now I’m so excited for fall!!! We had a nice fall tease these past couple of days and I felt so calm…. gloomy, windy day with a bit of rain. I love fall weather so much and new england fall is like the best aughhh. This year my resolution was consistency and discipline but idk… this year feels like such a throwaway year like I need a redo. I feel like I’ve gotten lazier lol. Like this is not the same person that took an entire semester class in 3 weeks and got their emt license in like a month hmmm. Now I can barely study and im way less ambitious Idk if it’s burnout or if i genuinely don’t care anymore. Late onset gifted kid burnout lol. Ten years down the line i hope i look back at this point in my life grateful that it got better. I mean at some point it only has to get better right?

Entry X: save my ears
I love j-core so much I'm so far gone in terms of what is considered music to my ears. A big middle finger to rhythm games and 2020 me. 2020 is like the year I solidified my music taste anything I listen to can be traced back to 2020 and before. J-core wasn't even that serious until fall semester last year when I was studying for honors biochem (that class shaved like 10 years off of my life but i still got my A ohh im so goated) and started playing tano*c extra in the background because that album is long asf so I could spend my 5 hr study sesh not scrolling through my liked songs. Then I went down the rabbit hole of j-gabber hehe. Now how tf am i gonna have a romantic playlist collab in the future when my music taste is so bad no one wanna listen to noise pollution fml. but tell me this isn't pure heat... say on lain this isnt pure heat... kenta violet eyez come and save j-core no one serves late 2000's early 2010's j-core anymore.

but fr i can't kms who else is gonna serve african immigrant almost trilingual wears j-fashion mascfem queer thing fujo doll eyed odd and offputting in medicine. I'm one of one frrr and no one approaches me because of my powerful aura and not because i can't socialize and i'm just a tad bit mentally unwell

also in honor of taking a 2 month break of off watching bls/media in general to study, here’s a list of every bl I’ve ever watched from like covid to now because that’s when I started logging stuff on letterboxd I might have skipped some and others that I watched and dropped or forgot idk I've watched so much stuff and i forget to log


I would kill to see this new again/changed the trajectory of my life fr
Ticket to heaven(2026) Soulmate(2026) Shine(2025) Stay with me(2023) Duang with you(2026) If it’s with you(2023) Secrets happened on litchi island(2025) Journey to the shore(2020) I hear the sunspot(2024) Life:love on the line(2020) Old fashioned cupcake(2020) I told the sunset about you(2020) Doukyusei(2016) Your name engraved herein(2020) Maurice(1987) Happy together(1997) 10 dance(2025) Love in the big city. Show version (2024) Brokeback mountain(2005) Interview with the vampire(series)+(1944)

solid bl
Gelboys(2025) The red envelope(2025) I’m the most beautiful count (2025) Bless you(2022) To my star. movie+show(2021) Smells like green spirt(2024) Depth of field(2025) Our dining table(2023) The eight sense(2023) Our youth(2024) Let’s free the curse of kaekwondo (2024) Night flight(2014) His(2020) A distant place(2020) The paradise of thorns(2024) Dear ex(2018) Weekend(2011) A ballon’s landing(2024) Eternal summer(2006) Semantic error(2022)
kiss of the rabbit god(2019)
Cutesy bl slop I’ll eat up every single time
Love is a poison(2024) Takara’s treasure(2024) School trip(2025) My unlucky has no choice but to kiss(2022) Cherry magic +the movie too(2020) liked the show better. i became the main role in a bl drama(2023)

I actually kinda liked this unironically maybe… me and whom?
Never let me go(2022) Jealousy is my guest(2016) Kinnporsche(2022) My personal weatherman(2023) Dangerous drugs of sex(2020) The blue hour(2015) Jack o frost(2023) Candy color paradox(2022) Method(2017) I cannot reach you(2023)heated rivalry
didn’t finish/who wrote this/didn’t personally like it/honestly forgot what it was abt
The time of fever(2024) Not me(2021) The lie we lived in (2026) The end of the world with you(2023) My beautiful man(2021/2023) Last twilight(2023) My love mix-up(2021) Takara kun and Amagi kun(2022) A touch of fever(1993) Get real(1998) Call me by your name(2017) My beautiful laundrette(1985) Blueming(2022) I promised you the moon(2021) Hush(2001) unexpectedly naughty fukami(2026)happy of the end(2024)

Want to finish... later
Khemjira The prosecutors proposal Edge of horizon Revenged love My school president double helix

Rewatched
Shine Candy color paradox ticket to heaven I cannot reach you soulmate happy together maurice life: love on the line old fashioned cupcake 10 dance method your name engraved herein

Want to rewatch
duang with you(it came on netflix bruh... after watching it on sketchy websites) to my star secrets happened on litchi island takara's treasure i hear the sunspot our youth i told the sunset abt you


Okay that’s it give me recommendations but I’m not watching anything!!!! till after my mcat I cannot afford it. Last thing I watched was notes from last row this month omg so good. I think favorite thing I've watched this year is strangers from hell. Tbh they were one kiss scene away from being a bl...gay ass ending too likee you guys were actually pushing it i think. would be in the me and whom section fs
omg shoutout to this local ice cream comapany their ice cream is so good like all i had yesterday was icecream ive been running on sweets lately uhh. but vitamin supplements exists hehe
listening to lareine gets me jealous of kamijo's voice omg. i don't really wish for a deeper voice or anything but if i was a guy i would pray to god that i had lareine era kamijo's voice. if i was a guy i would want my singing voice to be like that and if i was a guy trust i would be 6'2" and a fucking twink and i'd have waistlenght dreads that i tie up in a manbun sometimes and i'd be so pretty and stuff.. maybe in my next life (from the person who actually hopes reincarnation isn't real lmao).
writing entries feel like

Entry IX: working...
Yeah forget the hiatus I kinda really wanna work on my wardrobe. I think at this point in my life, I’ve really solidified my style and I’m content with it. For everyday wear I really wanna focus on simplicity over everything and also high quality clothing I can wear for years that will still keep its shape. Except there is so much I wanna experiment with outside of everyday wear. Right now i want to build a tsuyome gyaru and ouji wardrobe. For the longest time, I’ve had this admiration for victorian ouji like fantasizing about one day having my own atelier boz matching outfit moment with a fine shyt ouji like whatttt. Like who wants to be the aristocrat vampire romance to my elegant gothic lolita… no one? Okay rude but I want to dabble in ouji because I’ve grown to actually like the fashion. I’m unemployed and investing in a gyaru wardrobe is not on the top of my priority list… but rokku gyaru/tsuyome has a huge place in my heart. when I get my money up first thing will be buying a d.i.a belt. I almost bought one couple of months ago because I had cash and I decided not to all in the name of saving money but then I ended up using the same money to buy food so wtf. And I really don’t wanna sell any of my clothes because I love everything I own and I haven’t sold anything in like 2 years lol. Relying on the good will of my parents

Entry VII: Bye bye summer
I’m having this weird in and out sleep thing so I’m gonna write something here. I’ve kinda been avoiding checking my school email and stuff because I’m scared to admit that summer is almost over. My last real school summer break lol. Like after this there’s probably no more 3 month summer break for me forever. Devastating… wdym I can’t have 3 month summer breaks where I dilly dally anymore -_- it’s been like this for almost my entire life until now. My apartment wants me to move in August 15th??? I hope that’s optional because no way I’m moving in that time. School starts aug 30th what do you mean. I love my bed too much. What bothers me is that their beds there isn’t next to a wall like it’s just in the center of the room. How do people sleep on a bed that’s not next to a wall I’d feel so exposed like I’m vulnerable from both sides… Ahhh so stressful yknow I have to think about doing graduation stuff like making sure I actually took all my classes and writing my honors thesis and stuff and applying to med school or grad school idk. I added a chem minor last sem so I have to deal with that too. Why tf did I think I would enjoy taking a bunch of lab classes my final year… oh “but I’ve grown to love chemistry” was maybe cope because of how many chem classes I’ve had to take for med school requirements lmao but I do kinda like chemistry. I just hope my lab partners are decent. My old roommate that I know will not leave me alone this year talked about how for our final year we’re just gonna be hanging out at bars which honestly hell yeah. I think I should go to a college bar and parties before I leave school lol. I might absolutely hate it though. What I should totally do is join a bunch of clubs because I’ve never attended a club except for like the first month of freshman year which doesn’t count. Orrrr maybe I’ll just rot in my room like always and wait for the school year to end and graduate. Likely scenario tbh. At least I’ll be graduating with honors and cum laude or whatever they call it yay. I’m gonna miss walking around college at 4 in the morning. Last year I would just go on random morning and evening walks alone. One time I was going on a walk it was actually later in the morning like 9 and this grad student in his car like saw me, drove to the nearest parking lot, waited till I was walking past it and tried to hit on me lol. The only time I’ve been hit on in college tbh am I cooked??? And next month will be my first time not seeing a pediatrician for my physicals ahhh. I actually hate the feeling of getting older like being a teenager sucked for me but now that I’m 20, I feel like the worse is yet to come lol. Being depressed and in school is manageable for me, but being depressed and having to work and pay bills might actually take me out I’m so sorry. My parents have this thing where when they talk about the future, the future being like 5-10 years they add on “if I’m not dead by then” mind you’re they’re both in their 50’s with no health problems. Idk if they say that to make me feel bad or if they’re both planning on off themselves in 10 years because how would you even die in 10 years other than a freak accident or something like wtf. They’re not my favorite people ever, but I don’t dislike them that much to wish death upon them this soon come on. It’s getting concerning. It’s now morning and I've had like an hour of sleep... yap session over.
Omg apparently my mom heard me screaming in my sleep. I rarely ever talk in my sleep but I was having this weird thing where my brain was producing every scary thought and image imaginable and I was feeling so paranoid but I was going in and out is sleep it was so weird. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced that before. If this is a new update to rose’s brain turmoil then it might be so over for me

Entry VI: My mom
I know she ultra analyzes everything about me because aside from her just telling me, every time I’m around her she’s always intently staring at me. Then she saids something. It makes me even sadder when she visits me from school because the first thing she saids to me is almost always something about my appearance. I fear that I may have internalized her beliefs and have become too much into looks. I feel incredibly ugly to the point where I’ve actually debated if I should get some work done on myself whenever I get money. Today we’re were just talking and then she stares at me… “you’ve gotten darker” mind you I’ve been indoors ever since I got home from school. Then she proceeded to talk about how I’m gonna be embarrassing her and how I used to be so much lighter when I was little. Then I told her that she would edit the shit out of me when I was little and I have pics of myself on my phone and I was literally the same skin color. Idk bruh she’s colorist asf and you’d think maybe if you’re colorist you wouldn’t marry a dark skin man and cry that your children aren’t the same skin color as you. And maybe I’m just chopped and I’m blessed to have a mom who makes it known so I don’t walk around cocky and shit. It’s literally everything to my hair to my nose to my weight to my body shape and god forbid I start breaking out despite not even getting acne that much. And my brother can be 275lbs at 14 but god forbid I put on a bit of weight. I think out of all of that what hurts me the most is my skin color because fml even my mom thinks I look ugly I have 0 shot with everyone ever. Whatever man

Entry III: What stage of grief am I in with studying
After being hyper conscious and comparing my progress constantly to other peoples’ which led me to breaking down and crying (which I rarely ever do now), I took a break. I think it was more an excuse to lounge around… Since it’s the new month, I’m back to studying full time again till the ending of August. Not to self fulfilling prophecy my way to failure but I might be actually stupid and getting by via pure luck so I deluded myself into thinking that I’m smart enough to become a doctor lol. Because there is no way… come September I may void, or not go, or go and release my scores and fall into a deep depression if I get anything below a 510. Looking at everyone else, I feel like such an underachiever lol. Even now I’m reconsidering if I really want to go into medicine. I love learning, and I love being in hospitals and helping others and stuff but I don’t wanna be a suicide statistic in med school I’m not god’s strongest soldier… Especially with how little of a support system I have. I only have my mom, but literally the eq of everyone in my family is in the depths of hell. I've been coping fine, but idk how I'm gonna in med school when I probably have the canon event of everyone around me telling me that I should kms and never step foot in a hospital ever again. I feel like I’m digging myself into a deeper hole like I could go the grad school route but idk. All I do everyday now is worry my way to heart palpitations and weird ass muscle twitches I have every second of my day now… save me...

Entry II: Feeling bad
I’ve never really had monetary hardships in my life and especially now I feel horrible about it. Aside from doing my research for money last year summer, I’ve never had a job. And the research job was literally a waiting simulator (the reactions take hours) while I played games on my ipad and went out for 2 hr lunch breaks with my mom. Even with the money I got I spent it all even though I should have probably saved it. Now I’m feeling super bad because in a couple of months I’m gonna be living in the new apartment complex near campus that’s like 2k+ a month plus I’ll have a car so parking fees and fuel and stuff. Like where all the rich international students live... I brought it up during my chem lab one day while we were talking abt housing and everyone looked at me like I was crazy. I was so embarassed lol. I def did not read the room that day. Despite this I do feel behind in a lot of canon events like working a hs job and all the shit that happens. I feel bad for wasting money because I’ve been doing that all throughout college without any complaints from my parents. I wish I could cure myself from being so depressed all the time because there’s honestly nothing I should sad about to the point of suicidal ideation lol. No matter how flawed my parents are, they’ve been through way worse and never really did anything about healing in their adult life. I can hate my life all I want, but having a boring mundane life is not bad! I’m lucky to only have to worry about getting my education done and getting an adult job

Entry 0: first blog so scared
hiiii