Entry XII: Do I have potential be honest
Redownloaded tik tok again for something and tried their cutesy filters before I left. Guys i was just pranking im not a loser anymore I might be a tik tok baddie… doing the staring at camera thing had me cringing i could never do this shit fr… but I just needed some makeup and a change of clothes and I could probably make some numbers if I posted maybe. Maybe I’m too chopped for this and I’m super delusional for thinking this way. ignore my eyebags good lord

Entry XI: Self sabotage
My apartment stuff is basically almost finalized! unforch I have a roommate because one bedrooms were full, but I hope that she’s sweet. It would have been nice to have a whole space to myself though… we’re only sharing the kitchen and living room but I’m actually so anxious. What if she finds me weird lol. I mean my past two didn’t (I think) so I’m sure it won’t be a big deal. I’m mainly worried about the noise since I’m a very quiet person. I'm also worried that she'll assume that i don't like her because I'm bad with small talk. I’m also kinda really close to not writing my mcat because to be honest my mental health this summer was horrible. Like may I was so productive then june came and I tanked. Then july I was just being a bum and watching shows. I mean it’s not like I HAD to write it right now. I signed up when I thought I wouldn’t take a gap year lol. I could take my time to study and write it next may or something. Summer is not my favorite season. I do like sunny days and fluffy clouds, but it’s too hot and I hate feeling fomo from literally everyone else who is traveling and having fun at this time while I’m bedrotting. Right now I’m so excited for fall!!! We had a nice fall tease these past couple of days and I felt so calm…. gloomy, windy day with a bit of rain. I love fall weather so much and new england fall is like the best aughhh. This year my resolution was consistency and discipline but idk… this year feels like such a throwaway year like I need a redo. I feel like I’ve gotten lazier lol. Like this is not the same person that took an entire semester class in 3 weeks and got their emt license in like a month hmmm. Now I can barely study and im way less ambitious Idk if it’s burnout or if i genuinely don’t care anymore. Late onset gifted kid burnout lol. Ten years down the line i hope i look back at this point in my life grateful that it got better. I mean at some point it only has to get better right?

Entry X: save my ears
I love j-core so much I'm so far gone in terms of what is considered music to my ears. A big middle finger to rhythm games and 2020 me. 2020 is like the year I solidified my music taste anything I listen to can be traced back to 2020 and before. J-core wasn't even that serious until fall semester last year when I was studying for honors biochem (that class shaved like 10 years off of my life but i still got my A ohh im so goated) and started playing tano*c extra in the background because that album is long asf so I could spend my 5 hr study sesh not scrolling through my liked songs. Then I went down the rabbit hole of j-gabber hehe. Now how tf am i gonna have a romantic playlist collab in the future when my music taste is so bad no one wanna listen to noise pollution fml. but tell me this isn't pure heat... say on lain this isnt pure heat... kenta violet eyez come and save j-core no one serves late 2000's early 2010's j-core anymore.

but fr i can't kms who else is gonna serve african immigrant almost trilingual wears j-fashion mascfem queer thing fujo doll eyed odd and offputting in medicine. I'm one of one frrr and no one approaches me because of my powerful aura and not because i can't socialize and i'm just a tad bit mentally unwell

also in honor of taking a 2 month break of off watching bls/media in general to study, here’s a list of every bl I’ve ever watched from like covid to now because that’s when I started logging stuff on letterboxd I might have skipped some and others that I watched and dropped or forgot idk I've watched so much stuff and i forget to log


I would kill to see this new again/changed the trajectory of my life fr
Ticket to heaven(2026) Soulmate(2026) Shine(2025) Stay with me(2023) Duang with you(2026) If it’s with you(2023) Secrets happened on litchi island(2025) Journey to the shore(2020) I hear the sunspot(2024) Life:love on the line(2020) Old fashioned cupcake(2020) I told the sunset about you(2020) Doukyusei(2016) Your name engraved herein(2020) Maurice(1987) Happy together(1997) 10 dance(2025) Love in the big city. Show version (2024) Brokeback mountain(2005) Interview with the vampire(series)+(1944)

solid bl
Gelboys(2025) The red envelope(2025) I’m the most beautiful count (2025) Bless you(2022) To my star. movie+show(2021) Smells like green spirt(2024) Depth of field(2025) Our dining table(2023) The eight sense(2023) Our youth(2024) Let’s free the curse of kaekwondo (2024) Night flight(2014) His(2020) A distant place(2020) The paradise of thorns(2024) Dear ex(2018) Weekend(2011) A ballon’s landing(2024) Eternal summer(2006) Semantic error(2022)
kiss of the rabbit god(2019)
Cutesy bl slop I’ll eat up every single time
Love is a poison(2024) Takara’s treasure(2024) School trip(2025) My unlucky has no choice but to kiss(2022) Cherry magic +the movie too(2020) liked the show better. i became the main role in a bl drama(2023)

I actually kinda liked this unironically maybe… me and whom?
Never let me go(2022) Jealousy is my guest(2016) Kinnporsche(2022) My personal weatherman(2023) Dangerous drugs of sex(2020) The blue hour(2015) Jack o frost(2023) Candy color paradox(2022) Method(2017) I cannot reach you(2023)heated rivalry
didn’t finish/who wrote this/didn’t personally like it/honestly forgot what it was abt
The time of fever(2024) Not me(2021) The lie we lived in (2026) The end of the world with you(2023) My beautiful man(2021/2023) Last twilight(2023) My love mix-up(2021) Takara kun and Amagi kun(2022) A touch of fever(1993) Get real(1998) Call me by your name(2017) My beautiful laundrette(1985) Blueming(2022) I promised you the moon(2021) Hush(2001) unexpectedly naughty fukami(2026)happy of the end(2024)

Want to finish... later
Khemjira The prosecutors proposal Edge of horizon Revenged love My school president double helix

Rewatched
Shine Candy color paradox ticket to heaven I cannot reach you soulmate happy together maurice life: love on the line old fashioned cupcake 10 dance method your name engraved herein

Want to rewatch
duang with you(it came on netflix bruh... after watching it on sketchy websites) to my star secrets happened on litchi island takara's treasure i hear the sunspot our youth i told the sunset abt you


Okay that’s it give me recommendations but I’m not watching anything!!!! till after my mcat I cannot afford it. Last thing I watched was notes from last row this month omg so good. I think favorite thing I've watched this year is strangers from hell. Tbh they were one kiss scene away from being a bl...gay ass ending too likee you guys were actually pushing it i think. would be in the me and whom section fs
omg shoutout to this local ice cream comapany their ice cream is so good like all i had yesterday was icecream ive been running on sweets lately uhh. but vitamin supplements exists hehe
listening to lareine gets me jealous of kamijo's voice omg. i don't really wish for a deeper voice or anything but if i was a guy i would pray to god that i had lareine era kamijo's voice. if i was a guy i would want my singing voice to be like that and if i was a guy trust i would be 6'2" and a fucking twink and i'd have waistlenght dreads that i tie up in a manbun sometimes and i'd be so pretty and stuff.. maybe in my next life (from the person who actually hopes reincarnation isn't real lmao).
writing entries feel like

Entry IX: working...
Yeah forget the hiatus I kinda really wanna work on my wardrobe. I think at this point in my life, I’ve really solidified my style and I’m content with it. For everyday wear I really wanna focus on simplicity over everything and also high quality clothing I can wear for years that will still keep its shape. Except there is so much I wanna experiment with outside of everyday wear. Right now i want to build a tsuyome gyaru and ouji wardrobe. For the longest time, I’ve had this admiration for victorian ouji like fantasizing about one day having my own atelier boz matching outfit moment with a fine shyt ouji like whatttt. Like who wants to be the aristocrat vampire romance to my elegant gothic lolita… no one? Okay rude but I want to dabble in ouji because I’ve grown to actually like the fashion. I’m unemployed and investing in a gyaru wardrobe is not on the top of my priority list… but rokku gyaru/tsuyome has a huge place in my heart. when I get my money up first thing will be buying a d.i.a belt. I almost bought one couple of months ago because I had cash and I decided not to all in the name of saving money but then I ended up using the same money to buy food so wtf. And I really don’t wanna sell any of my clothes because I love everything I own and I haven’t sold anything in like 2 years lol. Relying on the good will of my parents

Entry VIII: I need to actually lock in
This entire summer has been me telling myself to lock in. I haven’t really actually studied in a month now but I literally only get shit done under a lot of pressure. My life is so miserable why am I missing so many lives first it was diru then jiluka and now mdm. Now I worry if I’ll ever see any of them live like anything can happen with the state of vkei nowadays kill me nowww. I’ve never been to a concert before lol I was debating like last year if I should buy twice tickets and just take a train to boston during school time but I didn’t. I should’ve though. And you know what’s crazy???? Babymetal performed live like 30 mins from where I live last year but I didn’t go I was such a pussy bruh. I was mainly scared of not knowing what to do and breaking down because I avoid social situations like the plague. I have got to try new things or I’m gonna spend the rest of my life bed rotting. I just spend my days being my brothers’ chauffeur like I should be the one going places but I just drive to get coffee and come back home. This is how my life feels all the time fr

My mom came home and decided to lore dump. My parents rarely talk about their lives, but she decided to tell me today that his brother (my uncle) has schizophrenia and so does her aunt (my grandaunt???). Okay nothing burger of a situation is what you may be saying but my parents rarely ever talk about mental health let alone have me sit down with her while she recounts the past. Like every time my mom starts lore dumping its something crazy like if I ever had kids I’d have absolutely nothing to say to them about my life fml. I think now that I’m in my 20’s and stuff which is when it usually manifests she’s worried because I have a very high chance of developing it… maybe too high of a chance assuming that I may be already genetically susceptible. For a few years now, I’ve felt like I already exhibit symptoms of being schizotypal but honestly I don’t like to self diagnose and I already have school and stuff I can’t be thinking about all that right now. Let’s just chalk it all up to depression and keep in pushing ^_^ The mental anguish I describe on here is literally like maybe 20% of what I go through on the daily but like no one wants to read all that probably but then it probably looks like I’m overreacting when I talk about being suicidal. Maybe I’m overreacting lol who knows. I guess this bit of info did explain some things though.
But I’m curious if anyone actually reads what I write because there’s nothing of substance compared to the stuff other people write on here.. and I doubt that my sentences are even coherent. I should start lying about my life because my diary is ruining the whole sweetheartmemory.neocities.org vibe. Next entry will be crazy trust me

Entry VII: Bye bye summer
I’m having this weird in and out sleep thing so I’m gonna write something here. I’ve kinda been avoiding checking my school email and stuff because I’m scared to admit that summer is almost over. My last real school summer break lol. Like after this there’s probably no more 3 month summer break for me forever. Devastating… wdym I can’t have 3 month summer breaks where I dilly dally anymore -_- it’s been like this for almost my entire life until now. My apartment wants me to move in August 15th??? I hope that’s optional because no way I’m moving in that time. School starts aug 30th what do you mean. I love my bed too much. What bothers me is that their beds there isn’t next to a wall like it’s just in the center of the room. How do people sleep on a bed that’s not next to a wall I’d feel so exposed like I’m vulnerable from both sides… Ahhh so stressful yknow I have to think about doing graduation stuff like making sure I actually took all my classes and writing my honors thesis and stuff and applying to med school or grad school idk. I added a chem minor last sem so I have to deal with that too. Why tf did I think I would enjoy taking a bunch of lab classes my final year… oh “but I’ve grown to love chemistry” was maybe cope because of how many chem classes I’ve had to take for med school requirements lmao but I do kinda like chemistry. I just hope my lab partners are decent. My old roommate that I know will not leave me alone this year talked about how for our final year we’re just gonna be hanging out at bars which honestly hell yeah. I think I should go to a college bar and parties before I leave school lol. I might absolutely hate it though. What I should totally do is join a bunch of clubs because I’ve never attended a club except for like the first month of freshman year which doesn’t count. Orrrr maybe I’ll just rot in my room like always and wait for the school year to end and graduate. Likely scenario tbh. At least I’ll be graduating with honors and cum laude or whatever they call it yay. I’m gonna miss walking around college at 4 in the morning. Last year I would just go on random morning and evening walks alone. One time I was going on a walk it was actually later in the morning like 9 and this grad student in his car like saw me, drove to the nearest parking lot, waited till I was walking past it and tried to hit on me lol. The only time I’ve been hit on in college tbh am I cooked??? And next month will be my first time not seeing a pediatrician for my physicals ahhh. I actually hate the feeling of getting older like being a teenager sucked for me but now that I’m 20, I feel like the worse is yet to come lol. Being depressed and in school is manageable for me, but being depressed and having to work and pay bills might actually take me out I’m so sorry. My parents have this thing where when they talk about the future, the future being like 5-10 years they add on “if I’m not dead by then” mind you’re they’re both in their 50’s with no health problems. Idk if they say that to make me feel bad or if they’re both planning on off themselves in 10 years because how would you even die in 10 years other than a freak accident or something like wtf. They’re not my favorite people ever, but I don’t dislike them that much to wish death upon them this soon come on. It’s getting concerning. It’s now morning and I've had like an hour of sleep... yap session over.
Omg apparently my mom heard me screaming in my sleep. I rarely ever talk in my sleep but I was having this weird thing where my brain was producing every scary thought and image imaginable and I was feeling so paranoid but I was going in and out is sleep it was so weird. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced that before. If this is a new update to rose’s brain turmoil then it might be so over for me

Entry VI: My mom
I know she ultra analyzes everything about me because aside from her just telling me, every time I’m around her she’s always intently staring at me. Then she saids something. It makes me even sadder when she visits me from school because the first thing she saids to me is almost always something about my appearance. I fear that I may have internalized her beliefs and have become too much into looks. I feel incredibly ugly to the point where I’ve actually debated if I should get some work done on myself whenever I get money. Today we’re were just talking and then she stares at me… “you’ve gotten darker” mind you I’ve been indoors ever since I got home from school. Then she proceeded to talk about how I’m gonna be embarrassing her and how I used to be so much lighter when I was little. Then I told her that she would edit the shit out of me when I was little and I have pics of myself on my phone and I was literally the same skin color. Idk bruh she’s colorist asf and you’d think maybe if you’re colorist you wouldn’t marry a dark skin man and cry that your children aren’t the same skin color as you. And maybe I’m just chopped and I’m blessed to have a mom who makes it known so I don’t walk around cocky and shit. It’s literally everything to my hair to my nose to my weight to my body shape and god forbid I start breaking out despite not even getting acne that much. And my brother can be 275lbs at 14 but god forbid I put on a bit of weight. I think out of all of that what hurts me the most is my skin color because fml even my mom thinks I look ugly I have 0 shot with everyone ever. Whatever man

Entry V: It's legit so over
I think I’ve hit the lowest I’ve been since I was in my early teens. I feel like this life is not my calling... (if you can believe it) and I want a drastic change in direction. I’ve put on this mask and it’s honestly starting to get impossible to act like I don’t want to genuinely kill myself. And maybe because nothing is outwardly expressed anymore no one actually gives a fuck and I should start self harming and not eating for days again. I haven’t done shit this summer except stay in bed and study sometimes. Which is honestly not much of an improvement from every single summer of my life ever, but then I didn’t have to think about having to contribute to society soon. Meds is not fixing my stupid chuz life bruh it’s so miserable and what even is the point when I always feel like an alien in human flesh. It’s sad that absolutely no one actually cares for me. I feel like this trophy for my parents but god forbid I express anything other than submission. They don’t love me they’ve never loved each other or experienced love themselves and they’re so draining to be around. But it’s sad that they’re my only interaction 24/7 because I have no one else. And I honestly cannot stand living this life any longer and this might honestly be the last summer because I’m deathly scared of graduating. I don’t feel at all ready for navigating adult life I haven’t not had a meaningful interaction with anyone live ever. I think I would rather die than experience whatever the fuck will go down in my 20’s. Living on is not worth it when there is absolutely no one by your side but maybe thats a me problem and I need a personality and appearance change because whatever I got going on no one is interested inand everyone wants me to kill myself. i should buy the new moitie dress
Just to speed up the suicide attempt, I redownloaded tik tok after actual years recently. Now on top of everything I have the sense of dread that you can only get through doomscrolling. I haven’t done this in a long time. It’s insane because then I fall asleep and start dreaming about my scrolls. Do people dream about tik tok omg. Giving my review while we’re here… tik tok now feels like how ig reels felt like when I had it (2023) So I can only imagine what’s going on on instagram now. I think tik tok caught on pretty quick that I’m black so like in between vkei egl and yaoi and stuff I get videos of anti blackness and racism and how everyone ever in the entire world hates black people. Like those are literally just the videos… like okay I get it but not exactly the info I need blasted at me during this point of my life. Oddly enough I would only get flooded with these vids from like 12 in the morning onward because during the day I’m not getting shown stuff like that often. Very insidious algorithm… I deleted it again. Hopefully for another couple years to come but lowkey this whole thing changed my life for the worse I’m in the bad ending now. I’ll think of this as for research an not because I was actually just craving that sweet sweet dopamine boost you can only get from consuming 1000+ 30 sec videos in an hour. Not to get on my high horse and brag about watching 1+ hour episodes and 3 hour movies in one sitting and reading books and just sitting with my boredom when I have nothing to do but holy… I got 0 joy from scrolling. Okay I consume slop too okay kill me but at least I get a bit of happiness however superficial they may be out of it. I cannot imagine not doing anything other than scrolling unless I genuinely wanted to kill myself which is basically my situation right now. Social media is actually painfully addictive but miserable at the same time wow.
Since I’m just going on about nothing I guess I’ll talk about my new diet (or maybe life style change we’ll see). I’m going keto. I wanna see if it actually works in loosing crazy amounts of weight or if it’s inflated. For me it’ll be vegan keto which from outsiders looks like torture. Honestly not much changes in my diet aside from cutting carbs so no rice… aughhh. Idk I need something exciting going on for me

Entry IV: I think I should actually kay em es
I don’t really like to admit it, but I feel so alone in the world. I genuinely do not have a single friend or even an acquaintance. It’s scary to think that I might be alone forever. Not in the tik tokified youtube aesthetic way. Just seeing myself in a couple of years being a home to work type of person probably living in an apartment with nothing else going on in my life. There’s no joy in having no one to talk or share your thoughts with. Despite how “used to” I am to everything the pain just never seems to go away. I always think of deleting my neocities all together because I’m not gonna lie, reading other people’s life and stuff I feel so envious. It makes me even more sad that I can’t have a fraction of what other’s have. Back when I was still religious, I thought it was some sort of punishment from god, or a test or something. I feel so socially stunted. I spent my childhood being locked indoors, my teens in a white ass neighborhood where no one wanted anything to do with me, college in my room unless I had classes. And maybe the college part was my fault... maybe I should have tried but it’s too late now lol. I did try the first month. I think those are the happiest recent memories lol. Trying to learn how to ride a bike with my first year roommate and her friend, going to random people’s dorms, eating with random people. I regret not keeping it up lol aughhh. You know what whatever mayybe this is all midsummer despair lol. Seeing the same four walls for almost 2 months now instead of the mandatory touching grass that I have to get when I’m on campus because I have to go to classes and go and eat and stuff lol. Even though I am actually reminded of the fact that I’m alone way more in college, I’m less sad. Which is good I guess because we need to get this degree at the very least. I just realized I use lol way too much. I hate sounding too serious it makes me so embarrassed we on neocities. I feel like that meme everytime i try to do a diary thing on my site because i honestly have nothing of use to share with the world and its so sad ohhhh kill me nowee

Entry III: What stage of grief am I in with studying
After being hyper conscious and comparing my progress constantly to other peoples’ which led me to breaking down and crying (which I rarely ever do now), I took a break. I think it was more an excuse to lounge around… Since it’s the new month, I’m back to studying full time again till the ending of August. Not to self fulfilling prophecy my way to failure but I might be actually stupid and getting by via pure luck so I deluded myself into thinking that I’m smart enough to become a doctor lol. Because there is no way… come September I may void, or not go, or go and release my scores and fall into a deep depression if I get anything below a 510. Looking at everyone else, I feel like such an underachiever lol. Even now I’m reconsidering if I really want to go into medicine. I love learning, and I love being in hospitals and helping others and stuff but I don’t wanna be a suicide statistic in med school I’m not god’s strongest soldier… Especially with how little of a support system I have. I only have my mom, but literally the eq of everyone in my family is in the depths of hell. I've been coping fine, but idk how I'm gonna in med school when I probably have the canon event of everyone around me telling me that I should kms and never step foot in a hospital ever again. I feel like I’m digging myself into a deeper hole like I could go the grad school route but idk. All I do everyday now is worry my way to heart palpitations and weird ass muscle twitches I have every second of my day now… save me...

Entry II: Feeling bad
I’ve never really had monetary hardships in my life and especially now I feel horrible about it. Aside from doing my research for money last year summer, I’ve never had a job. And the research job was literally a waiting simulator (the reactions take hours) while I played games on my ipad and went out for 2 hr lunch breaks with my mom. Even with the money I got I spent it all even though I should have probably saved it. Now I’m feeling super bad because in a couple of months I’m gonna be living in the new apartment complex near campus that’s like 2k+ a month plus I’ll have a car so parking fees and fuel and stuff. Like where all the rich international students live... I brought it up during my chem lab one day while we were talking abt housing and everyone looked at me like I was crazy. I was so embarassed lol. I def did not read the room that day. Despite this I do feel behind in a lot of canon events like working a hs job and all the shit that happens. I feel bad for wasting money because I’ve been doing that all throughout college without any complaints from my parents. I wish I could cure myself from being so depressed all the time because there’s honestly nothing I should sad about to the point of suicidal ideation lol. No matter how flawed my parents are, they’ve been through way worse and never really did anything about healing in their adult life. I can hate my life all I want, but having a boring mundane life is not bad! I’m lucky to only have to worry about getting my education done and getting an adult job

Entry I: Finding fulfillment in life
For the past couple of months, I’ve been thinking about how to find fulfillment in this life of mine… For most people, their reason to keep going are their loved ones. For me, I don’t really have anyone. I have my family, but to be honest, I’ve never felt secure in an environment where I’m one failure away from not being loved. I’ve never had true friendships either, and even at 20 I’m inexperienced when it comes to romantic relationships. Now that I’m not a teen anymore, I think I have come to accept that if I end up living my life in solitude, which is seeming more and more likely, I should at least find a reason to keep on living. For right now it’s music. It’s the only comfort I have during such an important, and terrifying time in my life. Deciding what I want to spend the rest of my life doing… I know in the future when I’m able, traveling and exploring new places will also be something I do often! Rather than popular cities, I really want to explore all the nature Earth has to offer. I won’t say that I’m happy now or that I’ll ever be, although I do strive for happiness, but I’m grateful for the privileges I’m have especially at this point of my life.

Entry 0: first blog so scared
hiiii