Entry VI: My mom
I know she ultra analyzes everything about me because aside from her just telling me, every time I’m around her she’s always intently staring at me. Then she saids something. It makes me even sadder when she visits me from school because the first thing she saids to me is almost always something about my appearance. I fear that I may have internalized her beliefs and have become too much into looks. I feel incredibly ugly to the point where I’ve actually debated if I should get some work done on myself whenever I get money. Today we’re were just talking and then she stares at me… “you’ve gotten darker” mind you I’ve been indoors ever since I got home from school. Then she proceeded to talk about how I’m gonna be embarrassing her and how I used to be so much lighter when I was little. Then I told her that she would edit the shit out of me when I was little and I have pics of myself on my phone and I was literally the same skin color. Idk bruh she’s colorist asf and you’d think maybe if you’re colorist you wouldn’t marry a dark skin man and cry that your children aren’t the same skin color as you. And maybe I’m just chopped and I’m blessed to have a mom who makes it known so I don’t walk around cocky and shit. It’s literally everything to my hair to my nose to my weight to my body shape and god forbid I start breaking out despite not even getting acne that much. And my brother can be 275lbs at 14 but god forbid I put on a bit of weight. I think out of all of that what hurts me the most is my skin color because fml even my mom thinks I look ugly I have 0 shot with everyone ever. Whatever man
Entry V: It's legit so over
I think I’ve hit the lowest I’ve been since I was in my early teens. I feel like this life is not my calling... (if you can believe it) and I want a drastic change in direction. I’ve put on this mask and it’s honestly starting to get impossible to act like I don’t want to genuinely kill myself. And maybe because nothing is outwardly expressed anymore no one actually gives a fuck and I should start self harming and not eating for days again. I haven’t done shit this summer except stay in bed and study sometimes. Which is honestly not much of an improvement from every single summer of my life ever, but then I didn’t have to think about having to contribute to society soon. Meds is not fixing my stupid chuz life bruh it’s so miserable and what even is the point when I always feel like an alien in human flesh. It’s sad that absolutely no one actually cares for me. I feel like this trophy for my parents but god forbid I express anything other than submission. They don’t love me they’ve never loved each other or experienced love themselves and they’re so draining to be around. But it’s sad that they’re my only interaction 24/7 because I have no one else. And I honestly cannot stand living this life any longer and this might honestly be the last summer because I’m deathly scared of graduating. I don’t feel at all ready for navigating adult life I haven’t not had a meaningful interaction with anyone live ever. I think I would rather die than experience whatever the fuck will go down in my 20’s. Living on is not worth it when there is absolutely no one by your side but maybe thats a me problem and I need a personality and appearance change because whatever I got going on no one is interested inand everyone wants me to kill myself. i should buy the new moitie dress
Just to speed up the suicide attempt, I redownloaded tik tok after actual years recently. Now on top of everything I have the sense of dread that you can only get through doomscrolling. I haven’t done this in a long time. It’s insane because then I fall asleep and start dreaming about my scrolls. Do people dream about tik tok omg. Giving my review while we’re here… tik tok now feels like how ig reels felt like when I had it (2023) So I can only imagine what’s going on on instagram now. I think tik tok caught on pretty quick that I’m black so like in between vkei egl and yaoi and stuff I get videos of anti blackness and racism and how everyone ever in the entire world hates black people. Like those are literally just the videos… like okay I get it but not exactly the info I need blasted at me during this point of my life. Oddly enough I would only get flooded with these vids from like 12 in the morning onward because during the day I’m not getting shown stuff like that often. Very insidious algorithm… I deleted it again. Hopefully for another couple years to come but lowkey this whole thing changed my life for the worse I’m in the bad ending now. I’ll think of this as for research an not because I was actually just craving that sweet sweet dopamine boost you can only get from consuming 1000+ 30 sec videos in an hour. Not to get on my high horse and brag about watching 1+ hour episodes and 3 hour movies in one sitting and reading books and just sitting with my boredom when I have nothing to do but holy… I got 0 joy from scrolling. Okay I consume slop too okay kill me but at least I get a bit of happiness however superficial they may be out of it. I cannot imagine not doing anything other than scrolling unless I genuinely wanted to kill myself which is basically my situation right now. Social media is actually painfully addictive but miserable at the same time wow.
Since I’m just going on about nothing I guess I’ll talk about my new diet (or maybe life style change we’ll see). I’m going keto. I wanna see if it actually works in loosing crazy amounts of weight or if it’s inflated. For me it’ll be vegan keto which from outsiders looks like torture. Honestly not much changes in my diet aside from cutting carbs so no rice… aughhh. Idk I need something exciting going on for me
Entry IV: I think I should actually kay em es
I don’t really like to admit it, but I feel so alone in the world. I genuinely do not have a single friend or even an acquaintance. It’s scary to think that I might be alone forever. Not in the tik tokified youtube aesthetic way. Just seeing myself in a couple of years being a home to work type of person probably living in an apartment with nothing else going on in my life. There’s no joy in having no one to talk or share your thoughts with. Despite how “used to” I am to everything the pain just never seems to go away. I always think of deleting my neocities all together because I’m not gonna lie, reading other people’s life and stuff I feel so envious. It makes me even more sad that I can’t have a fraction of what other’s have. Back when I was still religious, I thought it was some sort of punishment from god, or a test or something. I feel so socially stunted. I spent my childhood being locked indoors, my teens in a white ass neighborhood where no one wanted anything to do with me, college in my room unless I had classes. And maybe the college part was my fault... maybe I should have tried but it’s too late now lol. I did try the first month. I think those are the happiest recent memories lol. Trying to learn how to ride a bike with my first year roommate and her friend, going to random people’s dorms, eating with random people. I regret not keeping it up lol aughhh. You know what whatever mayybe this is all midsummer despair lol. Seeing the same four walls for almost 2 months now instead of the mandatory touching grass that I have to get when I’m on campus because I have to go to classes and go and eat and stuff lol. Even though I am actually reminded of the fact that I’m alone way more in college, I’m less sad. Which is good I guess because we need to get this degree at the very least. I just realized I use lol way too much. I hate sounding too serious it makes me so embarrassed we on neocities. I feel like that meme everytime i try to do a diary thing on my site because i honestly have nothing of use to share with the world and its so sad ohhhh kill me nowee
Entry III: What stage of grief am I in with studying
After being hyper conscious and comparing my progress constantly to other peoples’ which led me to breaking down and crying (which I rarely ever do now), I took a break. I think it was more an excuse to lounge around… Since it’s the new month, I’m back to studying full time again till the ending of August. Not to self fulfilling prophecy my way to failure but I might be actually stupid and getting by via pure luck so I deluded myself into thinking that I’m smart enough to become a doctor lol. Because there is no way… come September I may void, or not go, or go and release my scores and fall into a deep depression if I get anything below a 510. Looking at everyone else, I feel like such an underachiever lol. Even now I’m reconsidering if I really want to go into medicine. I love learning, and I love being in hospitals and helping others and stuff but I don’t wanna be a suicide statistic in med school I’m not god’s strongest soldier… Especially with how little of a support system I have. I only have my mom, but literally the eq of everyone in my family is in the depths of hell. I've been coping fine, but idk how I'm gonna in med school when I probably have the canon event of everyone around me telling me that I should kms and never step foot in a hospital ever again. I feel like I’m digging myself into a deeper hole like I could go the grad school route but idk. All I do everyday now is worry my way to heart palpitations and weird ass muscle twitches I have every second of my day now… save me...
Entry II: Feeling bad
I’ve never really had monetary hardships in my life and especially now I feel horrible about it. Aside from doing my research for money last year summer, I’ve never had a job. And the research job was literally a waiting simulator (the reactions take hours) while I played games on my ipad and went out for 2 hr lunch breaks with my mom. Even with the money I got I spent it all even though I should have probably saved it. Now I’m feeling super bad because in a couple of months I’m gonna be living in the new apartment complex near campus that’s like 2k+ a month plus I’ll have a car so parking fees and fuel and stuff. Like where all the rich international students live... I brought it up during my chem lab one day while we were talking abt housing and everyone looked at me like I was crazy. I was so embarassed lol. I def did not read the room that day. Despite this I do feel behind in a lot of canon events like working a hs job and all the shit that happens. I feel bad for wasting money because I’ve been doing that all throughout college without any complaints from my parents. I wish I could cure myself from being so depressed all the time because there’s honestly nothing I should sad about to the point of suicidal ideation lol. No matter how flawed my parents are, they’ve been through way worse and never really did anything about healing in their adult life. I can hate my life all I want, but having a boring mundane life is not bad! I’m lucky to only have to worry about getting my education done and getting an adult job
Entry I: Finding fulfillment in life
For the past couple of months, I’ve been thinking about how to find fulfillment in this life of mine… For most people, their reason to keep going are their loved ones. For me, I don’t really have anyone. I have my family, but to be honest, I’ve never felt secure in an environment where I’m one failure away from not being loved. I’ve never had true friendships either, and even at 20 I’m inexperienced when it comes to romantic relationships. Now that I’m not a teen anymore, I think I have come to accept that if I end up living my life in solitude, which is seeming more and more likely, I should at least find a reason to keep on living. For right now it’s music. It’s the only comfort I have during such an important, and terrifying time in my life. Deciding what I want to spend the rest of my life doing… I know in the future when I’m able, traveling and exploring new places will also be something I do often! Rather than popular cities, I really want to explore all the nature Earth has to offer. I won’t say that I’m happy now or that I’ll ever be, although I do strive for happiness, but I’m grateful for the privileges I’m have especially at this point of my life.
