08-5-25
Weather: Cloudy
Listening to: Ending Without Stories by Alesana ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎......‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ I got so frustrated with my art yesterday. I think that I’ve absolutely lost my stylized art style, and I couldn’t draw what I wanted to draw for my site. There was no way I was doing realism instead because that would take days just for one piece of art... I don't like my new about me because I wanted to draw so many sprites and a full body of me. Like those artists about me artworks. Obviously, that didn't work out. I think I might need to take a break from realism and refine my old art style, but I absolutely love realism! Not sure why I was fighting for my life with such a simple style. I think the issue for me might be trying to figure out how I want the style to look like. My art inspiration and favorite artists, (which are Yuming Li and Pilyeon), all specialize in realism so I'm a bit lost lol. I wish I could share my old art on here, but I guess I didn't back it up on ibis paint before deleting on my old phone so its lost to time now. Started exercising yesterday to prepare myself for the amount of walking I’ll suddenly be doing at school. I didn’t do that last year and going from not walking to walking for an hour + daily almost killed me! I also stretched a lot and that felt so good. I kinda surprised myself with how flexible I am because I don’t think I’ve lifted my leg up while standing on one foot in a long time. In grim(er) news, I’m cutting back my diet before school because I’ve gained 20+ pounds over the summer from pure binge eating. I know that I can loose it all in a month, but I’m still worried. I actually need to fit in my clothes or I’m going to be wearing like 3 things for the first month of school. My weight fluctuates + - 40 pounds throughout the year, but somehow my mom is always talking negatively about my weight no matter what state it’s in instead of being concerned about my relationship with food. I go through periods of intense starvation followed by eating nonstop, and the cycle just continues. In both states I’m almost always in physical pain. I used to be on prescribed medication because I would have sharp pain in my stomach when I ate, and it hurt to breathe and walk. Thankfully they only happen once in a while now.

08-4-25
Weather: Sunny
Listening to: Venom by Nocturnal Bloodlust ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎......‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ Listening to love songs is sometimes so weird for me. Like when most people listen maybe they’re going though something, or reminiscing on a past love, or have someone that they love. I’m just here wondering if I should cook up some false memories of someone I loved dearly, or someone that broke my heart. Or like an unrequited love. I’ve never really had a big crush or anything either, nothing past superficial looks because I never get close enough to actually talk to them. I just see the songs through fictional characters I relate to or just vibe to be honest. Okay, I've been a casual kpop fan for years now. After 2020 is when I stopped really following kpop news. Spotify gives me new music updates anyway, and I must say!!!! the new txt album is so good. My favorite is ghost girl like yeonjun really shined in that one. The new twice album though.... no comment. What were they doing in that studio? (╥﹏╥)

08-3-25
Weather: Sunny
Listening to: Nothing ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎......‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ Does anyone with natural hair get excited for wash day, and then you’re actually in the process of wash day and you’re absolutely miserable? I just finished washing my hair and I’m exhausted. Since my hair is long it takes ages to detangle and wash and detangle again, and I’m really gentle with my hair to prevent breakage. It’s especially miserable when I’m at school because I always end up staying up till early mornings because I’m busy during the day. My mom has sister locs and she wants me to loc my hair but I refuse! I love voluminous hair and blowouts so I would be so hair depressed if I got sister locs. I also love the compliments I get having long natural hair lol. I usually wear my hair in its blownout state, but this winter, I’m planning on getting my hair pin straight to see how long it has gotten. It would be my first time doing that on my own and I’m scared of getting some crazy heat damage. I think I would actually kill myself then. I was watching a video from one of the hair channels that I follow on youtube today and I saw a comment that said something like "your hair is a reflection of your love, patience, and devotion to it" and I found it so sweet. It made me think about how I would also love to live up to those three virtues in all aspects of my life. I think that those are actually important in so many things like hobbies, relationships, studying, parenting... almost everything it seems. If someone told me that I was the epitome of love, patience, and devotion I think that I would combust with joy. That was such a sweet comment.

08-2-25
Weather: Partly Cloudy
Listening to: Lying from You by Linkin Park ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎......‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ I totally lied about not updating my diary often because I kinda love my daily entries. There’s something that I’ve been thinking about a lot and kicking myself for not being serious about. I’ve been thinking about how fluent I would be in Japanese if I stuck to my studying schedule and didn’t drop it. Maybe I would have been a trilingual instead of bilingual by now, a way cooler conversation starter. It would be almost 10 years from now so I think that I would have gotten somewhere. I’ve been thinking about starting now, but it’s actually way harder to learn a new language now than it would have been when I was younger. I want to pick it back up though and spend 20’s seriously learning the language. I want to know something other than the basics for when I visit Japan some day lol.

??-??-??
Weather: ...
Listening to: ...
It’s 1 in the morning and I’m laying in bed. I’m thinking about why I just can’t form a close bond with anyone. Thinking about my time online and how it’s been more or less fruitless. I’ve been online almost my entire life it seems and I haven’t made a single friend. It’s supposed to be easier online, but I somehow fumbled it. It’s not like I’ve ever been cancelled or done something that would prevent me from interacting with others. I’ve had people who I’ve talked to, but the friendships only lasted a couple of months at most and then they either deactivate without a trace or just stop interacting. It was always fleeting. I’ve always believed that there may be something fundamentally wrong with me that I just don’t know. Maybe I’m not that interesting, or maybe it’s how I say things. I think that I might be too reclusive, but it feels so unnatural for me to be anything else. Sometimes it feels like I’m forcing my interactions. When something goes wrong I give up and become more isolated. I don’t really want to be surrounded by so many people. I would be content with just person. Someone I could talk about stupid stuff with and be carefree around. Everytime my mom talks about her childhood and friends that she still talks to regularly to this day I get jealous. I may never have that. I really do want that though, but I don’t know where to start this late in my life. Making lifelong friends from scratch now sounds almost impossible because most people already have friends they’ve known for years. They will always have a priority. I hate feeling like I’m just like my dad, but sometimes it feels like I am. The only difference being his indifference to human connection. I hate feeling like I'm becoming like my dad. It would be such a worthless life if I became like him. Eventually, I’ll abandon this site, maybe I won’t have time anymore, or I’ll just decide to stop updating. Even though I know that I would be content with what I leave behind, it’ll still feel like I was never here. My site isn’t really useful in any way, I don’t have resources or coding help or share anything thought provoking. I just throw a bunch of graphics on a page. I sometimes feel like it’s all useless even though I truly love my site. I love coding and I smile everytime I look at my pages. I get conscious about sounding pathetic all the time. I feel like I’ve been having the same woes for years now. Like a broken record. I don’t even know why I make diary and blog pages because absolutely nothing goes on in my life. I don't go out unless I have to, and the stuff I do when I go out are boring. It’s just me and my thoughts and my daily distractions and daydreams. I love daydreaming a lot. My favorite is right as I drift to sleep because it influences my dreams. I just wanted a pretty page I guess because my diary entries have been 90% bs. Sorry for anyone's time that I've wasted lol. I really don't cry anymore, but a lot just hit me all of a sudden out of nowhere this night, and I stay up late all the time so I don't know why

07-31-25
Weather: Cloudy
Listening to: Blue Orangeade by txt ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎......‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ It’s August tomorrow which means I have to start preparing for school again. Updates will be little to none which is why I’ve been constantly updating and stuff. I want to have my about me page done at least before I leave. I really want to be active during school time, but I’ll be busy studying and being an overachiever. This summer has been productive for my site because I spent a lot of time here! If I’m being so honest I was supposed to be using my summer to study for the MCAT (the medical school entrance exam) but it’s so daunting and I think I’m planning taking a gap year to study after I graduate instead. I could do it, but mentally I was so down this summer, and this is way fun than trying to remember all I did in general chemistry while battling suicidal ideation. I also tried updating my nekoweb yesterday and today but I got so frustrated because I couldn’t edit my site box even though I was following the directions to a T. It made me so sad because I wanted a pretty site box. This will probably be my last diary entry for a while because I want to focus on working on what I need to with the little time I have. Take care :)

07-30-25
Weather: Sunny
Listening to: Heartwork by Carcass‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎......‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ This semester I’m reaaaally planning on making friends. I truly think that I almost did at the beginning of uni before I became such a shut in. When I was talking a french movies class, before I dropped it for reasons that would make this entry too long (one reason being it started at 7 ended at like 10 in the evening), I would always sit with this person. I think that she approached me on the first day of class. She was nice and easy to talk to. Right before or after I dropped it she asked me out for lunch and that was the last time we really talked in person. A month after that I met her once at a dining hall and we said hi. Right before finals in April this year, I met her again on my way to class, and we made eye contact. She looked at me like she still remembered me because her eyes became wide Maybe I should have said hi, but I wasn’t sure if she remembered me. I didn’t want to smile either because that would be weird I think. I mean when you get to college you meet so many people during the first month that you’ll never see or talk to again. During the lunch we had I thought that we bonded, but I think that I was too talkative. I think that after she reached out to me for lunch, I should have followed up with another day to hang out. After lunch, she took me to her room and gave me food and let me sit on her bed even though there were chairs and we walked after that. I know that it's probably normal, but it didn’t feel like just a platonic hangout to me. Maybe she was just being nice. I for sure would not let someone I just met sit on my bed after being in outside air all day. She was definitely my type though, tall, masc presenting, and sweet. I think my issue is that I never initiate anything so the other party might assume that I’m just not interested in interacting. She probably just gave up after I stopped talking. We didn't have any classes together after so there was nothing she could do. I think her asking to hangout again would have been too pushy. I lost her number so my only chance is a random meeting like the one in April. Oh well... On another note, I have my eye appointment soon and I'm certain that I'll be getting a new prescription because I get one every year it seems. Since it's the only time I get new glasses frames, I've been pondering on which one to get. My recent one is pink oval frames because me from last year really wanted to have that shojo protag look lol. I also had a black backup I used often because the pink one was always loose. I think now I want to get half frame glasses like this. I hope that it suits me.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I probably am not lesbian. I think the reason why I’ve been uncomfortable with the idea of dating men for a while now was my experience with men being almost always negative. I’m still unsure but I know that I’m attracted to a larger variety of women that I am with men. I’m very picky with men, but I feel like I would consider almost any woman who showed interest in me regardless of preference. For now, I will use bisexual to describe myself. No one will understand what I’m about to say but no matter what gender I date, I want it to feel like a same sex relationship. I don’t like gender roles in relationships so if I was dating a guy I wouldn’t him to solely take the “boyfriend role” The same is true women or with those who don’t identify as neither. I think the term girlhusand suits me. I’m both of those but neither of those at the same time. Sometimes I think that I’m too complicated identity wise for most people to want to be with me anyway.

07-29-25
Weather: Sunny
Listening to: 慟哭と去りぬ by DIR EN Grey‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎......‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ Everytime I make a diary page I get the sudden urge to yap on and on. Is it illegal to have two entries in a day? I hope not. Where else will I get to type paragraphs saying everything but nothing at all. I’m going to overshare to the 3 people that probably read my entries, but I wasn’t born in the United States, so I don’t really have any ancestors or family here. The other day, my mom was talking to me about how rampant religious paranoia is back home to the point where people are dying and being killed. To be honest, even though I love Christian theology, I don’t think that I’ll ever become a devout Christian. In some people’s eyes my identity and interests warrant me a special place in hell anyway. I don’t think that I’m an atheist either, there is someone out there, maybe just not as ever loving and ever kind as the god Christians believe. Being more educated and learning about how this religion was essentially used to enslave and commit genocide leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

07-29-25
Weather: Partly Cloudy
Listening to: 王的血族 by Ali Project‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ......‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ I’ve been very motivated to create lately! I know that I’m going to crash very soon so I’m enjoying it while it lasts. It’s sick and twisted how the mind works...! God was right in making me paranoid and anxious when I was on social media apps because I would be too powerful. Sometimes though, I have the urge to go back on tik tok to live my preordained tik tok famous gothic lolita vkei account dreams. The very first vid of myself that I posted on vkei tok years back blew up immediately, but I deleted it a couple weeks later and then permanently left tik tok soon after that. It was my first time posting my face on a social media account that wasn’t privated, and I was so overwhelmed by the comments, likes and follows I received overnight. I also hated how people in the comments lacked boundaries in how they addressed and talked to me considering the fact that I was still a minor at the time. I sometimes wonder what I would be doing right now if I didn’t scare myself into deleting that account… In any case, tik tok is where subcultures go to die so I don’t think that I’ll ever step foot on there again. Having my own website is much better because I am more comfortable creating for myself.

07-28-25
Weather: Sunny
Listening to: Lluvia by Jiluka‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ......‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ I’ve been thinking about my tattoo ideas a lot more lately. There are two that I’ve had for a long time now. One is an angel wings tattoo on the lower back waist area, and the other are butterflies. I thought of butterflies to cover my scars on my arm, because I love butterflies and what they symbolize. These are for the far future though… I want to have enough money to get them done by a tattoo artist that I admire. I also want to get pierced. I actually don’t have any piercings on my body. I don’t really want ear piercings or face piercings, though I really wanted a nose bridge piercing when I was younger. I also wanted a smiley too. I think now my dream is to have a belly piercing and have dangly belly rings.

07-27-25
Weather: Cloudy
Listening to: Dai the Flu by Deftones‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ......‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ Staring at my bank account after I paid my tuition for the semester… I go to college almost on full ride, but I still have a couple thousand to pay after all my scholarships are deducted. Now that they’re raising the tuition year by year it seems, I might have to pay more and more. Or just take out a loan lol. I’m a bit excited to go back to school because I honestly love the routine of school and it also means I get to leave home It will be my second year rooming with my roommate, but I don’t know if i’m excited. She’s so talkative! Like talkative in a way that she always talks over me and disregards what I say and I have to spend an hour+ just listening to her alone daily. It’s like she just wants to talk to a wall and expects no input, but the wall is me, and I really badly want out! I only speak when spoken to so it’s very overwhelming when I’m with someone loud and talkative. I would feel at fault if I were to just ignore her because there’s no harm in her talking at the end of the day. She also randomly decided to stop using deodorant because of the “chemicals” and then didn’t try to compensate with anything else. The day we were moving out for the summer, my mom was angry at me because it was unbearable. She was angry that I didn’t say anything. My mom is very particular about hygiene and would absolutely kill me if I walked around smelling like that. She also never cleaned the bathroom we share, and when I confronted her about it she said she didn’t know that we had any cleaning suppplies even though I have a ton, and how else was I cleaning the bathroom, with hand soap and paper towels? That’s a whole other issue that I hope gets solved this year. I stay with her because quite honestly I’m scared of rooming with anyone else, and apartments where I could sleep alone are expensive. Roommate horror stories scare me, and she isn’t that bad, if I choose to deal with what I just mentioned… and others that I didn’t mention. I don’t think she does anything out of malice, or maybe I’m way off on how I read others.